Thursday, April 18, 2013
I feel angry. All the time. Not really at anything in particular, mostly just how life is going and over what we've been going through. Everything is actually pretty fantastic in our lives right now, aside from the miscarriage and wanting another baby. We have a beautiful, healthy, happy, amazingly smart 2 year old who I couldn't imagine my life without, who along with my husband and family is the biggest reason I have any hope and happiness right now. My husband is so happy at his new job, he's being challenged, working on exciting projects all over the world, and loves the environment he's in and people he works with. My work has picked up also, which is great for us and for the company I work for. But there is this hole, I try to fill it with all sorts of things, play date's, grocery shopping, DIY projects around our home, time with my husband, time with Stella.... they fill it to a certain point, and then it creeps back open when things get quiet. Lately my anger comes from other parents. Bad parents. The ones who do not deserve children, the ones who shouldn't be allowed to be parents ever. Or the ones who don't really want to be parents, who just happened to get pregnant when they really didn't want to be, and then they half heartedly make their way through life with a child, wanting to live their old lives more than their new ones. This makes my heart ache, for those children affected by their parents ignorance to what a gift they've been given. For the parents who are too stupid and selfish and terrible to understand what they are missing out on with their children. For families who desperately want children, but cannot conceive them on their own or even at all. I feel like this is happening all around me lately, people turning up pregnant unexpectedly, in all sorts of situations all across the board. I hear stories being relayed that so-and-so are having a baby, it's a surprise, they were on birth control/didn't want a baby/weren't ready for a baby/not in a relationship/cant afford a child/ etc... and I want to scream and shake the person, tell them I don't want to hear about another oh so easily conceived baby being born into a less than thrilled parents arms. If were really being honest here, and i'm trying to be with myself, trying to let it all go and work through this anger block in my head and my heart, I've reached the point where I don't care to see any info on other babies being born. No thanks to the pregnancy announcements my friends are posting oh so often, the ones who post too many pictures of their growing bumps get unsubscribed from. I'll mentally make note if a baby is due soon, and give the obligatory "like" on their new baby photo, but then, block, I just cant handle seeing all those posts about baby this, and baby that. I'll even admit I might be being a bit hypocritical, I shared more than I probably should have of new baby photos and updates, and I realize it's not their fault they are all giddy with new baby excitement... but it hurts. And I'm fairly certain I had several people block or unfriend me on facebook who were struggling with their own baby making demons when Stella was born. I actually had one friend message me before she did, I knew her story, we had talked for a long time about our struggles. She is infertile, cannot conceive at all, and her husband refuses to adopt. My heart aches for her, I wish she could have her miracle, and I send thoughts often to her. So for now, I'm stuck in a place of anger and hurt. I try daily to process these unfamiliar feelings, but it doesn't seem to help. I hope with time it will, I am not this person, I am happy about all things, thrilled for everyone's exciting news, cry with them if it wasn't what they were expecting, I am emotional on many levels, but not usually anger. I realize it's hard for others to understand also, my husband doesn't really get it, he gave me the crazy look when I told him I was venting through blogging, I think more out confusion and concern for what i'm writing than anything else. But I'm hoping it's a step towards healing. Everyone processes these emotions differently and every situation is different. This seems to be how my heart and mind are handling such a sad event for us this time. I'm not necessarily ok with it, but I hope it will help in the long run of things. I hope my healing is in process, because I really, really want to feel whole again.