Monday, March 4, 2013

wtf life

I needed somewhere to vent, to get this all out, to say what i'm feeling and let it all go with a huge sigh and let the weight lift off of my body that is so achy and tired. I'm debating not posting it, but what good would that be? How would that help my healing if I don't share what i'm feeling and what is going on in my life. I hurt. My heart aches, my body is sore and i'm exhausted. I found out on Friday that the baby I thought I had been carrying in my womb is actually just a sac, a blighted ovum she called it, there was nothing there. I was measuring a week behind, which means it's stopped growing, I was supposed to be 10 weeks, not 9w1d. I had a feeling earlier in the week, I woke up one morning and I felt normal. All of my pregnancy symptoms were gone, and that worried me. We were so excited and hopeful to see our baby, Stella's sibling, our second child, and the second she touched the wand to my abdomen I knew, I saw nothing, no flicker, just a black hole outlined with gray. I was so thankful for my little girl in that second, she had wanted to nurse, she felt uncertain of the situation, as did I, and she needed to be skin to skin with her mama, I appreciated that so much. I let her lay across me and nurse while the tech checked things out and took picture after picture of nothing, the nothing that was supposed to be our special something. Then the midwife came in, and the tech started over again, showing her the nothing inside of me, and confirming with a second set of eyes what we all already knew, there was no baby.
I've decided to let things happen naturally with my body. I wish there was a switch I could flip to tell it to just flush things out and miscarry already, why delay the inevitable? Maybe it knows that my husband is out of town this week, and I am terrified of going through this alone. Maybe it is waiting until the hormones leave my body completely. Maybe it still thinks it's carrying a baby and supposed to be holding onto it. I want to know why my body is failing me. Why have I had 2 miscarriages in the last 4 months. Why can't I stay pregnant and have a baby? Why did this get so far along and why haven't I miscarried yet, the other 2 I've had were so much earlier and spontaneous. With Stella I did acupuncture through the first trimester, I'm afraid I'll have to go that route again this time, I can't seem to do this on my own for some reason. I can't help feeling defeated. I am healthy, I am young, why do I have a hard time creating a baby? I know I am blessed already, because I have a healthy child, and I know some couples struggle with fertility for years and years and through treatment after treatment, and I don't want to offend or hurt anyone with this post. I just need to process, and get all of my emotions off my chest, and the biggest block in my head right now is what the heck is wrong with my body. I'm so nervous about the what ifs, what if this keeps happening? what if we don't have another baby? what if were meant to have only one child?
I am somewhat comforted and yet concerned by the information Mr. Google gave me about what a blighted ovum is. It is caused by a chromosomal abnormality, which is usually due to missing chromosomes or an incomplete helix. I loved this topic in college and I remember it sort of well, so it was easy for me to understand. Something wasn't right with our chromosomes connecting. That's also what concerns me, why won't our chromosomes mix well? Why can't they form a perfect little human? We are both healthy, and I feel like families who are doing all the right things, eating right, active, good people, those are the ones who struggle, I know so many married couples, happy, hard working, good people, who struggle to conceive, and it's so frustrating. I know eventually I will think positively again, but for now, i'm going to focus on my existing child, not the one i'm hopeful for in the future. I'm going to spoil her this week, not only because it's almost her birthday but because she is very much loved, and she is helping me heal so much more than she knows. She just this minute climbed up next to me and wrapped her little arms around my neck for a tight squeeze, and it made us both smile so big. My heart melts for her, and I am so thankful she is with us.


dany said...

I'm so sorry. with everything we've gone through with ruby recently, I have had similar feelings - wtf life?! none of it makes sense. that part is hard. prayers for peace for us both.

Faith said...

you may not understand now why this is happening, but God has a bigger purpose for what is happenening,. just look to him for answers and healing
you are loved:)

Christa Cox said...

im so sorry! Blog everything! it helps so much with healing. dont be worried about people's reactions or negativeness. Blogging is for YOU. and trust me. it helps a lot.


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